I’ve unblocked him…

I used to think that if I blocked someone, all my emotions would be blocked too
I deleted everything
Facebook
Messenger
…

I thought doing so would make me feel better
And honestly
On the first day
I did feel relieved
Like I had just won against myself
Like I had made the right choice
That I knew how to protect myself

But then the next day
And the days after that
I realized
I wasn’t any better
I wasn’t at peace

I thought I was strong
But the truth is—I was just pretending
The more I tried to forget
The more I remembered
The more I tried to move on
The more my heart resisted

I thought cutting off all contact
Would help me forget
But no
The memories still found a way to stay
In the silence
In the long nights
Even in the moments I was smiling with someone else

I chose the most childish way to cope
And yet
It got me nowhere

And after many days
I decided
To unblock him

Not because of anything
Just because I realized. I shouldn’t have treated him that way

I’m simply learning to accept
Accept that I once had hope
That I once felt hurt
That I once tried to run away from my own feelings
But now I don’t want to run anymore

I will try to face my emotions
No more hiding

I’m tired…
Tired of pretending I’m OK, I’m fine…
Tired of forcing myself to forget someone by acting like they never existed

What I need now
Isn’t victory
Isn’t pride
What I need is
Peace

And the purest peace
Is being with the one who holds me
no matter what I’ve done

Mom
I’m coming home to you…